The emotional pain had been there for years and I just couldn't take another day of it. Every morning, I would wake up feeling deeply depressed and this emotional torture would be with me all day long. Drinking alcohol didn't soothe the pain anymore. The unpleasant emotions would shine through and make it even worse and I wasn't up to taking drugs, that just wasn't me. The only escapes I had left were sex and sleep.
I was 22 and sat on the floor in a hotel room at a seaside resort, in Thailand. I was sharpening a kitchen knife that I had bought in Bangkok earlier that day. Tonight, I was going to do it, swim out from the beach and cut my throat - nothing could stop me, nothing. My body felt vibrantly alive and my mind was buzzing, as if it were operating on a higher frequency. It was so liberating to finally have made the decision. I scratched the knife against my finger nail and thought to myself, "that will do the job."

I had learned meditation about six months earlier and something told me to meditate for awhile before putting my plan into action. I sat up on the bed and meditated for about 10-15 minutes. My mind became very calm and the motivation to go ahead with the plan - was all gone!

At the same time, I thought that my family back home deserved better. Why should they have to collect me at the airport in a black-plastic bag? My emotions were still but the fact that the strong desire to end my life was completely gone - frustrated me. These thoughts followed, "I don't have to do it now. If I change my mind, I could do it another day..."

Emotional Pain

Why do we commit suicide? What are we escaping from? Where is the logic in ending one's life? The reality of intense-emotional suffering must be experienced. It's not possible to know what it's like to be suicidal without being it, however, if you could experience it even for just a few moments - you would probably touch upon emotional pain like you have never known it before. These extremely unpleasant emotions wear you down over time and trigger suicide.

Talk Therapy

I was depressed for more than 15 years and the suicidal depression lasted for about 3. So how did I overcome my depression? I was in 5 or 6 sessions of talk therapy towards the end of my suicidal years. The therapist really listened while I talked about my situation. It was such a relief to ventilate my feelings and thoughts. The talk therapy eased the emotional pain in a short period of time. I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone!

Then, I spent years meditating on my unpleasant emotions. Step by step, I was able to accept the negative emotions without holding on to them and finally the depression subsided.

I had been depressed for eight years, by the time I started in therapy and this was the first time I had done anything about it. There was a lot of shame in it for me. I had this idea that people would look down on me if I started in therapy. Don't reason like I did, it won't do you any good. You deserve therapy and it will make you feel much better!

Don't Give Up!

It really troubles me to hear about anyone who has committed suicide because I know that there is a way out of the hopelessness and pain. Whatever you do, don't give up! If you've lost a friend or someone close to you, all I can offer you is my understanding - there is really nothing more to say...

My wish, is that this article will reach out to people in need of hope and support. This very wish is what inspired me to share my story.

Relaxation

After having lived with unpleasant emotions for months or even years, deep relaxation becomes  a wonderful relief since it effectively dissolves physical and mental tension. For light forms of anxiety and depression, relaxation can bring about very positive changes. Relaxation is as easy to learn as it is effective.

You are welcome to download Learning To Relax. In this meditation I guide you to a state of deep relaxation. This 8-minute mp3 file can help you along the way. No previous experience needed. Practice makes perfect...

Best of luck!